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As one of the biggest updates that Google has ever released, one would think Cuttlefish would be at the forefront of industry conversations, yet they’ve kept quiet about it. Why? Well, let’s just say that Google is truly embracing personalized search, and we’re only now starting to uncover the depth and breadth of this major update. From the events on your calendar to the clothes in your closet – even to your current mood – Google is examining your life in an arguably-invasive & intimate manner in their boundless quest to provide highly personalized search results.

This aligns with Google’s business model of providing self-reinforcing results so users are never offended. Searching for a local bar? Google’s Emotional Recognition Actuator will recognize that you’ve been feeling cynical, even more than normal, and direct you to the former cool dive bar, now choking with frat guys, $6 Rainier tallboys, and graffiti for toilet paper in order to reinforce your notion that the world sucks and you’re going to die alone.

example of Google's emotional recognition actuator

A Window Into Your World

Going a step further is another new feature of the update called Mirror which uses your webcam to catalog your physical features, body language responses, and all other aspects of your life that they can spot through the lens. This includes even how you decorate your room. Yes, Google sees your Fathead wall decal of Rand Fishkin (sans beard). This is legal through a privacy loophole Google is using which only covers “people.” Since a mathematical sorting algorithm does not count as a “person,” Google is able to bypass laws about webcam data. Or something like that.

How does knowing your physique help them provide you with more personal results? In all sorts of ways, really. Extremely tall people will see more results of websites that use pictures of tall people. If your eyes look sleepy, the results will be large knowledge graph information about coffee (including large ads).

 

Organizing the World’s [Most Touchy Feely] Information

Going even further is the Corrective Emotional Determiner which uses all of the personal and historical cues which the search giant has accumulated and feeds you results that better align with what you need – with less of what you want. Searching for a local restaurant with good pasta? Google knows you’ve been feeling pretty down about your hairline – and your body odor sure isn’t helping things – so instead of the cozy eatery down the street, Google will go the extra yard and show Italian restaurants in the next town over, and only ones with clientele that are not too far above your level.

Yes, Google knows your level. And we mean your REAL level. While you may think you’re a head-turning 8, don’t worry, Google has your back, you’re a forgettable 4, and the SERP will reflect that.

you are ugly

Researched & Edited by the talented Josh Uhlir.









Miles Rossow

About Miles Rossow

Miles is generally in the top 5 best SEO’s within a 10 block radius wherever he goes. Being from Seattle, an SEO-savvy city, that means he’s pretty darn decent, statistically speaking. Ever since Miles started cleverly adding keywords to his emails in college to more easily locate those emails in the future, he knew he was destined to become the best SEO of all time, objectively speaking. He is Google Analytics certified, which means a lot. Follow him on Twitter @MilesRossow.

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